you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
