Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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