if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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