I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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