I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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