I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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