you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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