who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
