Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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