I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
