That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
