i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
