I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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