found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
