I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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