I think my vagina is haunted
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
