oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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