you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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