My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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