from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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