Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
