chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
