i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize