So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
