What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
