I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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