Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
