I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
