If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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