Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
They left me at home... I'm a liability
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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