I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
