sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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