have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
