jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
