Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
