**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
