Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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