No awkward lesbian experiences without me
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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