Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
