Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
