just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
