I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
