I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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