When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
