Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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