You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
