I wish my penis had an off switch
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
