My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
