woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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