Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
