I cannot find my penis.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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