im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
