i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
