Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
well you can't waste a boner
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
