last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
